It is so very fall outside. It's actually beautiful, despite how chilly and unpleasant the rain makes actually being outdoors. This time of year always brings me back to the fall that remained the same until I moved to New York. Growing up in the mountains of Pennsylvania, fall was such an eventful time. We would visit pumpkin patches, play in the leaves, go on haunted hay rides; all of the cliched activities that everyone thinks of at this time of year. But in New York City, there are no pumpkin patches, but bodegas that sell pumpkins by the pound. There certainly are no fields to house a haunted hay ride or cornfield maze, and if you want to play in the leaves that have fallen, well, it's probably not a good idea. Also: West Virginia! My college experiences were hardly different from the seasonal changes at home. It's just so different here. Literally, there is nothing I can think of that is the same as living anywhere else in this country.
As I look back, or take a moment to step back and assess, I have adjusted to what it is to be here. The timing, the style, the attitude... I get it. Everyone is here for a purpose. The opportunities are endless, just oozing out of every nook and cranny. I guess that's what is a bit uncomfortable for me. Feeling so unsure about my direction makes it hard to take a step. Although I do accept the fact that I'm the only thing standing in my way. People come here to find themselves and make themselves. It's a 24/7 process. You have to work hard to be able to afford New York. Then when you have time away from work, you have to make the magic happen... so there is no down time. I'm trying to grasp this, searching for the motivation and the inspiration, and trying to let go of my need to control the situation because obviously, it's out of my hands.
Being here in the beginning was a shock. I think I built some barriers around me for protection, but now I feel that it has opened me up, rounded me out. I have seen some seriously intensely interesting things (for lack of better words). I feel quite aware and surprised every day. Although it's not what I thought it would be, (it never is though, is it?) it is something, that's for sure. And I am far from finished with this city. New York has everything. If only I had a big yard and a house on the beach, I think I could be quite happy here. Considering the fact that this isn't going to happen, well... I'll make the best of it for now. I wonder where I'll end up... where I'll live when I'm married and have babies and if I'll ever get to design the perfect house. Will it be big enough for my kids and their friends, my friends and my big noisy family? Sometimes I feel like I can picture myself as a happy old woman who spends her days laughing with her soul-mate-husband and a lifetime of beautiful memories and the excitement for what's coming next.
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