Friday, May 13, 2011
why the pause?
So here I am, more than a month after my last post and I'm wondering why I haven't written. I really don't know why. I've been excited about this blog as a sort of 'project'. I am constantly scribbling down ideas that I want to touch on here. Just searching for the motivation...
I'm quickly approaching the '1.5 years in NYC' mark and although I feel pretty well-adjusted, I'm realizing that there's still so much to learn about this place. I have been making projects for myself, wrapping my brain around new ideas and hobbies (like this blog), and then tiring of them as quickly as I thought them up. I've thrown myself into the world of food and cooking. I've read food-blogs non-stop, constantly stopping by farmer's markets and bodegas to pick up ingredients for some exciting recipe. Then, out of nowhere, nothing... I even stopped feeling hungry. And there was definitely no inspiration to get to the grocery store and lug everything back home.
I was talking with someone yesterday who asked me the dreaded question, "So, what brings you to New York City?". I really hate this question right now. Truthfully because I'm totally freaked out. I am here to do theatre. I am here to do theatre. I am here to do... The idea is just bugging me. I'm sure that I'm making a much bigger deal about it than necessary, but I feel pretty strongly that it's okay that I didn't come here and immediately hit the pavement. Right? Maybe wrong. I'm really not sure what I should be doing. All I know is that I need to feel at home to feel comfortable. And I do have a great home, finally. Andrew and I are really lucky. We've found a real gem of an apartment that works beautifully for the two of us (and Trinny). So, now what's my excuse?
I explained to this person that I felt out of shape. And when I say that, I mean that I haven't been working on anything specific that would move me forward as a theatre artist. I haven't felt like reading, I've been unmotivated vocally, and simply unsure of where to start. I haven't even seen a show. Then she asked me, "Why the pause?". I don't have the answer. But I feel so very lucky that I have the opportunity to cross paths with people who will ask the questions when I'm too confused to ask them myself.
It's encouraging. When I find that I'm unsure and questioning why I'm here, the world finds some little way to snap me back into reality. I'm realizing that this is one of the hardest things about being on your own. You have to be your own teacher, mentor, and parent. You have to find a way to get yourself up for another day when the easier option is to make excuses and do what feels more comfortable. This life is not about comfort. I have made the choice to move to one of the most intense cities in the world. It's a great place with endless opportunities, but those opportunities don't knock at your door. You have to go search for them and beg them to hear you out, and when they say no, you have to muster up the courage to try again tomorrow.
This is not a post about how my life isn't working out for me. I just wanted to share what's happening in my brain now that I've made a little sense of it and also explain why this blog hasn't had any activity. I'm transitioning into some new place, and it's confusing right now, but I'm thankful for any reality check I can find out there. And I'm so excited and looking forward to when it all clicks.
I'm quickly approaching the '1.5 years in NYC' mark and although I feel pretty well-adjusted, I'm realizing that there's still so much to learn about this place. I have been making projects for myself, wrapping my brain around new ideas and hobbies (like this blog), and then tiring of them as quickly as I thought them up. I've thrown myself into the world of food and cooking. I've read food-blogs non-stop, constantly stopping by farmer's markets and bodegas to pick up ingredients for some exciting recipe. Then, out of nowhere, nothing... I even stopped feeling hungry. And there was definitely no inspiration to get to the grocery store and lug everything back home.
I was talking with someone yesterday who asked me the dreaded question, "So, what brings you to New York City?". I really hate this question right now. Truthfully because I'm totally freaked out. I am here to do theatre. I am here to do theatre. I am here to do... The idea is just bugging me. I'm sure that I'm making a much bigger deal about it than necessary, but I feel pretty strongly that it's okay that I didn't come here and immediately hit the pavement. Right? Maybe wrong. I'm really not sure what I should be doing. All I know is that I need to feel at home to feel comfortable. And I do have a great home, finally. Andrew and I are really lucky. We've found a real gem of an apartment that works beautifully for the two of us (and Trinny). So, now what's my excuse?
I explained to this person that I felt out of shape. And when I say that, I mean that I haven't been working on anything specific that would move me forward as a theatre artist. I haven't felt like reading, I've been unmotivated vocally, and simply unsure of where to start. I haven't even seen a show. Then she asked me, "Why the pause?". I don't have the answer. But I feel so very lucky that I have the opportunity to cross paths with people who will ask the questions when I'm too confused to ask them myself.
It's encouraging. When I find that I'm unsure and questioning why I'm here, the world finds some little way to snap me back into reality. I'm realizing that this is one of the hardest things about being on your own. You have to be your own teacher, mentor, and parent. You have to find a way to get yourself up for another day when the easier option is to make excuses and do what feels more comfortable. This life is not about comfort. I have made the choice to move to one of the most intense cities in the world. It's a great place with endless opportunities, but those opportunities don't knock at your door. You have to go search for them and beg them to hear you out, and when they say no, you have to muster up the courage to try again tomorrow.
This is not a post about how my life isn't working out for me. I just wanted to share what's happening in my brain now that I've made a little sense of it and also explain why this blog hasn't had any activity. I'm transitioning into some new place, and it's confusing right now, but I'm thankful for any reality check I can find out there. And I'm so excited and looking forward to when it all clicks.
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